Every Sunday the Washington Post runs an amateur humor competition:

The Washington Post
May 14, 1995, Sunday, Final Edition^¿

Report from Week 110, in which we asked you to come up with absurd warning
labels for common products.

     We loved one particular entry for its wonderful idiocy: On a cardboard
windshield sun shade -- Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place." We
were going to make it a winner, until we discovered that it wasn't made up.


And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata:

     On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin
     area. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Honorable Mentions

     On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (Judith
     Daniel, Washington)

     On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed. (Peter Fay, Herndon)

     On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation. (Jerry
     Robin, Gaithersburg)

     On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, which
     has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

     On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will
     replace it for a $ 2 shipping and a $ 3 handling charge, for a total of $
     4.97. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

     On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure
     and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you
     looking at? Quit staring at me. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

     On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene. (Ken
     Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

     On Sen. Bob Dole: WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode. (Doug
     Keim, Schaumburg, Ill. )

     On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)

     On a fax machine: WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image
     of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the
     photocopy. (John Kammer, Herndon)

     On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.
     (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

     On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words,
     phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (David Handelsman,
     Charlottesville)

     On a wet suit: Capacity, 1. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)