>                 TWINKIE FAILURE TESTING
>                 -----------------------
> 
>         In an effort to clarify questions about the purported
> durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we
> subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments:
> 
> EXPOSURE:
>          A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for four days, during
> which time an inch and a half of rain fell.  Many flies were observed
> crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis,
> birds -- even pigeons -- avoided this potential source of sustenance.
>         Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie
> retained its original color and form.  When removed, the Twinkie
> was found to be substantially dehydrated.  Cracked open, it was observed
> to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the
> filling, however, retained its advertised "creaminess."
> 
> RADIATION:
>         A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which
> was set for precisely 4 minutes -- the approximate cooking time of
> bacon.  After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich,
> characteristic aroma of artificial butter.  After 1 minute, this
> aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of burning rubber.  The experiment
> was aborted after 2 minutes, 10 seconds, when thick, foul smoke began
> billowing from the top of the oven.  A second Twinkie was subjected
> to the same experiment.  This Twinkie leaked molten white filling.
> When cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the Twinkie to its
> plate, defying gravity; it was removed only upon application of a
> butter knife.
> 
> EXTREME FORCE:
>         A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of
> approximately 120 feet.  It landed right side up, then bounced
> onto its back.  The expected "splatter" effect was not observed.  Indeed,
> the only discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on
> its underside.  Otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact.
> 
> EXTREME COLD:
>         A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours.
> Upon removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its
> physical properties had noticeably "slowed": the filling was found
> to be the approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the
> mercurylike property of not adhering to practically any surface.  It
> was noticed that the Twinkie had generously absorbed freezer odors.
> 
> EXTREME HEAT:
>         A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes.  While
> the Twinkie smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream
> holes" boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire.  It did, however,
> produce the same "burning rubber" aroma noticed during the irradiation
> experiment.
> 
> IMMERSION:
>         A Twinkie was dropped into a large beaker filled with tap
> water.  The Twinkie floated momentarily, began to list and sink, and
> viscous yellow tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting
> of a water-soluble artificial coloring.  After 2 hours, the Twinkie had
> bloated substantially.  Its coloring was now a very pale tan -- in
> contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it.  The
> Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72
> hours, the Twinkie was found to have bloated to roughly 200 percent
> of its original size, the water had turned opaque, and a small,
> fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the "cream holes."
>         Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further
> analysis were abandoned when, under light pressure, the Twinkie
> disintegrated into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour
> odor was noted.
> 
> SUMMARY OF RESULTS
>         The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with
> some of the unusual phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and
> artificial coloring, should give pause to those observers who would
> unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as "food."  Further clinical
> inquiry is required before any definite conclusions can be drawn.