NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike.
Sure, you thought you already knew that.  But now we have proof!
After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
topics, these facts have emerged:

 Relationships:

First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -
he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a
semi-regular basis".  When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and
pour hetrheart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem
titled "All Men Are Idiots".  Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the
break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I
just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never
forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy.  But I want
you to know there's always a chance for us".  This is known as the
"I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have
made at least once.  There are community colleges that offer courses
to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove
effective.

 Sex:

Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay.  Men prefer 30 - 45
seconds of foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her place as part
of the foreplay.

 Maturity:

Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults.  Most 17-year-old males are still trading
baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.  This
is why high school romances rarely work.

 Handwriting:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just
chicken-scratch.  Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot
their "i's" with circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large
loops in their "p's" and "g's".  It is a royal pain to read a note
from a woman.  Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face
at the end of the note.

 Bathrooms:

A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush,
toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel
from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A
man would not be able to identify most of these items.

 Groceries:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
and buys these things.  A man waits till the only items left in his
fridge are half a lemon and something turning green.  Then he goes
grocery shoping.  He buys everything that looks good.  By the time a
man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that
the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.  Of course, this will not
stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

 Going out:

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
out.  When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be
ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes
putting on her makeup...

 Cats:

Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.

 Offspring:

Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows
about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best
friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.  A
man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 Dressing up:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage answer the phone, red a book, get the mail.  A man will
dress up for: weddings, funerals.

 David Letterman:

Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
Earth.  Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a
bad haircut.

 Laundry:

Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every
article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were
hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry.  When he
is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside
out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the
laundromat.  Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the
laundromat.  This is a myth.

 Weddings:

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
Men talk about "the bachelor party".

 Socks:

Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks.  They are cut way below the ankles, have
pictues of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

 Nicknames:

If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut
Brain and Useless.